‘If all girls are like that-’ said William. ‘Well, when you think of all the hundreds of girls in the world – well, it makes you feel sick.’

So, after tearing apart a character yesterday, and saying all the things that I DIDN’T like about her, I thought I’d do a reversal today, and talk about a character that I do love. Perhaps I should warn that there isn’t a great deal of (or any?) sarcasm in this post. I’m afraid there’s less to be sarcastic about when you’re not insulting something. Hopefully this piece can stand on its own without my brilliant attempts at wit, but if you feel sarcasm withdrawal, tell me off in the comments. 

 A great character brings a story to life, transforming even an average book into one to be re-read. You know you’ve experienced a great character when you finish the final page of a story and feel a pang of sadness at the thought of no longer reading about said character’s exploits. A great character lingers with you for days, staying in your mind, in the back of your thoughts. Almost like a friend you haven’t seen in a while, you want to be in their company again.  

Whenever I think about a favourite character, my mind instantly goes to lisping, six-year-old Violet Elizabeth Bott, from the Just William series.

Just William, by Richmal Crompton, was a children’s series that spanned five decades from the 1920s, to the author’s death in the 1970s. Nearly every book is a set of individual stories containing anti-hero William Brown’s misadventures.

I loved these books as a child, but in my opinion, they get better with age. Crompton narrates with a dry humour and a keen eye for humanity’s foibles that goes right over the head of child readers but is a pleasure for adults. Whilst I think every book is worth reading, the stories that I admit to enjoying the most are the ones that include Violet Elizabeth Bott.

Violet Elizabeth is the spoilt, cosseted, only child of the wealthy Botts: a pretty little thing that looks like a porcelain doll, with blonde hair that is curled every day, and lots of flouncing outfits. ‘Violet Elizabeth was so treasured and guarded and surrounded with every care that her small pink and white face had never been known to do anything else except shine with cleanliness.’

Below is her first meeting with the eleven-year-old William.  

‘D-don’t you like me?’ Quavered Violet Elizabeth in incredulous amazement. William looked at her. Her blue eyes filled slowly with tears, her lips quivered.

…

‘You’re making me cry,’ sobbed Violet Elizabeth. ‘You are. You’re making me cry, ’cause you won’t say you like me.’

‘I-I do like you,’ said William desperately. ‘Honest- I do. Don’t cry. I do like you. Honest!’ 

A smile broke through the tear-stained face.

‘I’m tho glad,’ she said simply. ‘You like all little girlth, don’t you?’ She smiled at him hopefully. ‘You, do don’t you?’

William, pirate and Red Indian and desperado, William, woman-hater and girl-despiser, looked round wildly for escape and found none.

Violet Elizabeth’s eyes filled with tears again.

…

Strangely enough, the sight of Violet Elizabeth with tear-filled eyes and trembling lips made him feel that he must have been brutal indeed. Beneath his horror he felt bewildered.

‘Yes I do,’ he said hastily, ‘I do. Honest I do.’  

She smiled again, radiantly through her tears. ‘You with you wath a little girl, don’t you?’

‘Er-yes. Honest I do,’ said the unhappy William.

‘Kith me,’ she said, raising her glowing face.

William was broken.

As well as being the queen of manipulation, Violet Elizabeth is up for anything. She is so laid back that she will happily laugh at herself when teased, enjoy becoming filthy with mud and ruining her fancy clothes, and keep up with the boys’ rougher games. For a six year old she is inordinately clever, and is easily able to outwit William and his friends and even her own parents. Anyone who knows this series at all will probably recognise her most famous line, where she convinces someone to do something because if they don’t she will ‘thcweam and thcweam ’til I’m sick.’

At the same time she is loveable and endearing, with her upbeat, sunny disposition, her loyalty to William, and because you can’t (or at least I can’t) read anything she says without laughing. I think my favourite episode of hers is where she tries to leave a ghost a ‘thauther’ of milk.

Violet Elizabeth may not be the most rounded character, but Crompton deliberately writes caricatures for humorous effect, and in my humble opinion, it works.  

I don’t know that these books are for everyone- the humour is the subtle kind, and some people might find them too old-fashioned, or even too English- but if you’re intrigued then definitely check them out. If you’ve ever read them or are now inspired to read them, let me know in the comments!   

"Sarah, Sarah, Sarah, Sarah, Oh Sarah-ah-ah (Sarah)...Are you saving me?" (A character study.)

No, this post is not about how much fun it is to write the name Sarah over and over, (although that is quite fun), but is actually about I Am Number Four, by Pittacus Lore (pen name of Jobie Hughes and James Frey.) I want to start by stating that I Did Not Buy this book, but got it for free, which makes it so much more acceptable to be caught reading it. (Maybe? Kind of? Not even a little bit??)

Warning: spoilers abound for those who want to read this book and haven't yet.

Ok, moving on. I Am Number Four is in many different ways an extremely flawed book, but this review will be focusing on my personal biggest problem, the love interest of narrator John: Sarah Hart.

Yes, that is her name. It says it all really. To get all nitpicky and deconstructionalist on you (thank you literacy theory!) that is one terrible, terrible name. Now, every Tom, Dick and Harry knows that the name Sarah is found a dime a dozen, so, if you're going to write a book, even a book completely set in the real world (which I Am Number Four is not), you should tread carefully with a name like Sarah. But in a YA fantasy/sci-fi novel? Seriously?? I mean, why not call her Mary Sue and be done with it?? And as for Hart, well, don't worry folks, it's not ironic. This girl's heart is so big she spends her holidays saving homeless kittens. 

???!!!

(The above was words failing me.)

Sarah is the pancake-flattest, Mary-Suest, female-love-interest I've ever had the misfortune of meeting in print. Here's what I know about her: She's incredibly, unbelievably, astonishingly, oh-my-goddingly, up there with Aphrodite, in-your-face Edward Cullen, flat-out beautiful.  

Wait...she's beautiful? Oh! Well, thank god! Phew! I was worried for a minute there. I'll let Disney's A Swan Princess sum it up with the following 'how to offend a woman in five syllables or less' incident:

Odette: "Is beauty all that matters to you?"
Derek (genuinely baffled): "What else is there?"

Hmm. Good question. What else is there? There are a few other points to Sarah's character, but not many. Shall I make a list?!

1. She lurrvveess animals and being kind and extra nice and sweet to people, with an extra oozy dollop of saccharine and rainbow sprinkles. For the record, I am not some sort of happiness-Nazi with a vendetta against nice people, or nice characters. I attempt to be a nice person and to include nice characters in my stories. The problem is that I don't believe Sarah really is the genuinely selfless girl she's made out to be. For if she was, how she could ever let poor Sam be a friendless outcast and never bother speaking to him before John arrives?

Now, don't worry, I'm not delusional. I know this is lack of thinking on the authors' parts rather than a deliberate fakeness to her character, but unfortunately it still means that Sarah + nice = fail. *Nods head in agreement with self with what can only be described as Percy Weasley style pompousness.*

2. She is smart. There is no proof that she is smart, she never acts smart, the reader is just *told* that she is. In fact, she seems quite stupid. The only initiative she shows is when they're trapped in the school by dangerous aliens, and she says that she knows another exit. This is clearly not impressive as it is something anyone would know if they have been going to that school for longer than five minutes. But John feels a moment of pride. Pride. What a clever little girl she is! She can say her ABC in the correct order and everything. Next step- tying her own shoelaces!  

3. She's completely passive. John: "I'm an alien..." Sarah: "Well, whatever makes you happy, dear." This girl is so passive she makes Bella Swan look proactive. I can only assume Sarah spends most of her time zoned out on happy pills. 

4. She needs to be rescued a helluva lot. Big, mean ex-boyfriend hijacking her? Check. Stuck in a house fire when everyone else escapes? Check. Evil aliens after her? Check.

5. She has a rubbish sense of humour. Case in Point? John makes a completely reasonable comment and she laughs and says: "you're silly" and pokes/nudges/punches him. What is so frickin silly??

In all the time I've known John (and I've been in his head far longer than is comfortable) I've never once heard him say anything that could be understood as funny, humorous, witty or even faintly amusing.

Actually, correction, how about "I'm in love with Sarah"? I'll admit, you need an outlandish sense of humour for that to tickle you, but really, the idea that these two could fall in love is like someone insisting that a pair of newspaper dolls are in love. Actually, that sounds quite sweet. How about someone insisting that two opposite facing walls are in love? Yep. Makes No Sense.

6. Final point, I promise. She gives lingering kisses. Every single kiss *lingers.* Excuse me, rant/babbling session over now, I'm on my way to throw up.

And that is it. That is Sarah. That is literally all that I know about her.

Characters like Sarah are not only disappointing, they're also baffling. Perhaps I could understand her if she was a perfect depiction of a male fantasy, but she's clearly not. Her taste in clothing proves that. (Who wears a blouse to a house party??)

What Sarah is, in fact, is the typical result of authors who know they want a female love-interest in their story, but beyond thinking she's 'perfect', never bother to flesh out her character.

What we're left with is a pencil outline trying to impersonate a watercolour, and no one's buying it. Good characters take thought, love, back-story, and most importantly, flaws. Flaws! Yes, Sarah is flawed, but those flaws were never ones that the authors intended her to have. 

If one thing can be learned from her though, it is that she is a perfect example of a 'how not to do it' character.    

So there you have it- the end of my first 'review'. Cough*over inflated opinion*cough. I am impressed with your ability to wade through my babble/lashings of sarcasm and make it to the end unscathed. If you now have a strong need to explain exactly why I'm hideously wrong or to congratulate my brilliant deconstruction of a soggy tissue character, feel free to do so in the comments. Every comment made is loved and appreciated, even if it is simply to write a reminder to yourself to never come back here again, and I will give each commenter imaginary cookies.

Until next time boys and girls...